I live in constant fear, and I recently learned this about myself.
I was working on a journal prompt, “What does safety feel like in your body?”
I had no answer to it.
I have not known a fear-free or worry-free life. I am a chronic worrier, but nobody helps you diagnose it. Luckily for me, my journal did.
When I was a child, I learned about certain superstitions. And no child can differentiate between a superstition and a fact. I lived in constant fear of them coming true.
When I grew up, I was terrified of being made fun of, something quite prevalent in joint families. I was scared of being criticised. I kept correcting myself. I kept becoming smaller. I tried being invisible so no one could comment on me.
But the more I tried to shrink, the more people got to me.
With different phases of life came different fears. And though this is my personal blog, I cannot share everything personal here.
To be able to think about others and create healing books and journals, one might assume I must have lived a calm or easy life.
But I was three months old when my leg got fractured. Then again at nine months old. And then at thirteen years old, I broke my wrist bone in a terrible car accident.
Even if I do not remember the physical pain of the first two incidents, my body remembers.
I was mishandled by my cousins, which resulted in the same thigh bone breaking both times. My mother went through so much. I wish she had the resources back then that we have today.
I did not even realise my mind was living in constant fear until my body started living in fear too.
My nervous system has forgotten safety, and my body now follows the rhythm of fear. Fear shows up as inflammation in my body. And when I once asked ChatGPT for journal prompts to lose weight, I realised something important.
The problem was not my diet.
It was my mind.
It was trauma.
Earlier, my fears did not feel as big. I managed them better. But after birthing a baby, I can feel anxiety on a gut level.
I have been journaling since 2015. I have played with pen and paper since childhood, but I truly understood the importance of journaling only a few years ago.
I used to use journaling as a manifestation tool. But after my baby’s birth, it became my best companion. My mirror. The one place that truly gets me.
I was not allowed to read or write for the first forty days postpartum. I remember how deeply I wished I could journal back then. I missed journaling the most during that phase.
As soon as I could resume, I began pouring my heart out onto the pages. Everything I feared. Everything that bothered me. And somehow, my mind became less foggy. Healing started replacing the hurt.
It is not that I am fully healed, because of course, life is full of ups and downs. One fear resolves, and a new fear begins birthing in my mind.
So I use my journal to heal on a soul level. Until I start being unafraid of being afraid, I do not think I can completely get rid of fear in my life.
And so, I use my prompts. And if they help me, I launch them as guides or printable journals in my online store.
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